Saturday, January 10
The horns and sirens, the squealing brakes, the oh-so-loud-bass-way-too-early-in-the-morning in the car at the red light. All these things are someone drowned out by the sunrise.
And it's a almost normal sunrise. No breath-taking shades of red or glowing hues of amber or vibrant violet popping over the horizon. Simple pastels around grey winter clouds brought my morning into existence.
And there there is a cry somewhere deep inside my soul. A cry for something more. A prayer of unuttered words. Longing. Begging. Hoping against all hope. A passionate desperation that life can be found.
Life not as it currently exists. A life of fullness. Of joy and peace and contentment and belief in the unbelievable. A life with God.
I cried myself to sleep a week ago. Giant shaking sobs as tears flooded across my face and drenched my pillow. My doubts and fears riding atop this river, coming to the surface of my torment. My soul has been uneasy since then. A busy schedule masks the unrest. A bible study has put my lack of faith and hypocrisy into tangible ink. And the charade persists. I am placeless in my world. Like an albatross soaring over endless waves. I wander in the desert.
I have no one for coffee dates. No phone buddies. No work cliques. My acquaintances are amazing. But they do not exist beyond acquaintance. So I write to the world. Into a vast and void space.
And everybody knows that teddy bears and goldfish and houseplants can't talk.
Saturday, January 3
I'm sorry for thinking that I could find my happiness in my job or my acquaintances or even in my circumstances. I had forgotten that. And now I don't know what I should do. I don't think I can do it. Oh, GOD I need you now. I don't know if stay here. The job would be wonderful, and I think this is where YOU want me - but it's so hard God. Not many people see beneath my surface, but YOU know the depths of my soul. YOU know my longings, my pain, my joys. YOU know my need for YOU. Draw me to YOU. Comfort me. Enable me to revel in YOU God.
You shall be my people, and I shall be your GOD.